Build Trust in Relationships
Relationship Rescue Course
Guidelines for Clarification
Page 7
Build trust in relationships; speak your truth; listen keenly; and ask the right questions to understand your partner. Understanding what your partner says to you is of major importance in restoring and/or building trust in relationships. How often have you assumed what you heard was correct? Then later discovered that what you thought you heard was not even close to what your partner meant you to understand. Is it any wonder that a common complaint in romantic relationships is My partner doesn't listen to me? Well, now you have the opportunity to reverse the negative direction of your relationship and create the kind of life you both want. You have now completed the recommended readings and exercises to overcome your fear of intimacy; you have learned how to speak to be heard; you have learned how to listen to understand; and you are aware of the qualified relationship support that is available if you get stuck. A new, more confident YOU is emerging. Use your new skills to help you and your partner build trust in relationships in all aspects of your lives.
The Clarification Process In these special prescribed conversations, listeners value what their partner has to say; they truly want to understand exactly what was meant by their partner. Now you get to practice how to lovingly ask your partner if what you think you heard is accurate.
Take a meditation break when your ego strikes... Intensity of emotions may increase during this process. If you sense tension invading your peace, it is best to take a brief meditation break. Use your meditation techniques to quiet your mind, and calm down to prevent an argument from developing. Do not judge your feelings, just accept them and bring your conscious awareness into the present moment. Choose to move forward peacefully and joyfully. Do not under-estimate the benefits of meditation to help you eliminate emotional issues and restore trust in relationships. Keep the bigger picture in mind. Restore your intentions for the best possible outcomes. Building trust in relationships requires the two of you to do whatever it takes to create a loving and safe environment for truthful expression of your feelings.
No Faking It... By the way, listeners, faking your understanding is pointless; it sends a clear message to our partner that you have lost interest in pursuing trust in relationships. It is also pointless because until the speaker hears your words that accurately describes the statement the process continues. And speakers; do not give up trying to make yourself understood. It takes courage to move beyond your fears and out of your comfort zone. Why would anyone pretend to understand? One reason; to avoid appearing to be stupid - most everyone wants to be a know-it-all. To show ignorance is mistakenly perceived as a weakness. Another reason might be to avoid putting the speaker on the spot of having to explain themselves. Both of these examples indicate that you have allowed your ego to interfere. Not a problem, just move your attention back to the present moment.
What to say... When the speaker signals that he or she is finished speaking, then the listener begins the clarifying process. You could begin by saying, This is what I heard you say. Then say it. Then ask, Is that what you intended me to hear? Wait for your partner's reply. If your interpretation is correct, then you are both complete and ready to switch roles. If the listener's interpretation is not what was intended, then the speaker says it again in different words for a better understanding. Continue deciphering until the speaker agrees that the message has been heard correctly.
Be patient... Helpful hint: A listener is not required to agree with or even relate to what has been said. For example, if a speaker expresses feelings of jealousy, the listener may not experience feelings of jealousy, and therefore will not relate to the accompanying fearful emotions. Your inability to relate to an emotional issue makes the experience no less real and painful for your partner. A defensive thought like, I've done nothing to make you jealous, is fuel for firing up the ego. Simply notice it and bring you attention back to the present moment. A safe and loving response to that expression is simply I am hearing you say you feel jealous, is that correct?
The clarification process is a useful tool to help the speaker reveal error thinking that caused an incorrect judgment from internal programming. A common reply by a speaker to the listener's interpretation is Did I really say that? Or, That is not at all what I meant to say. An excellent opportunity exists for both speakers and listeners to have an AHA! moment - a revelation that releases significant stress - a empowering realization that this is my problem; it has nothing to do with my partner; I intend to let this go, now.
Take nothing seriously
Eliminating trust issues in relationships
is one of the many benefits of meditation.
Congratulations! You are ready to begin the special relationship rescue conversations. I wish you profound peace and joy on your journey of self discovery and relationship bliss. You deserve that and more.
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